Embodying the Goddess of the Flame
Change happens. For me, it is a continual flow of energy moving through my energetic body like a serpent in water. It challenges my very essence to grow. It pushes the edges of my creativity to merge into a deeper understanding of Self. Oftentimes, my ego gets hurt. It takes discernment and an embodied approach to co-create a new “reality” based on these imminent changes occurring within and without of my very core being. Sometimes, an initiation is necessary to step forward on our path. Sometimes, there is a threshold that must be crossed, a rite of passage that must be taken, and a complete “let go” that must happen to open the heart for the Truth of compassionate love to enter.
Recently, I had the opportunity to explore the dark edges of my reality by drawing in the light of the sun. It was an experience that pulled me deeper into the Earth Mother’s womb, cradling my inner child, waking the serpent of time along the spinal column of life within me; and thus, birthing who I AM through an embodied experience of vitality, creativity, love, and sensual pleasures. On this journey, a sacred container was held for myself and all the other fellow journeyers who had chosen to walk the same path, in their own rites of passage. We were invited to set an intention toward a Vision Fast which we would be participating in within the Colorado wilderness – at a place called, Stillpoint. The name, Stillpoint, was an appropriate metaphor for the energy that was calling me to enter the silence of my own creation, and the creation of the larger systems around me. This “calling” started before my arrival to the sacred site, even before I left home.
Before leaving, I was asked what a Vision Fast was. And why would I ever want to go somewhere with the potential to be alone, without food (and in some fasts/quests, without water), for three days and three nights? My answer seemed simple. I wanted to know my Self beyond my own limited perceptions of time and space. Perhaps what seemed “simple” to me was a complicated answer to those around me. What did “know my Self” really mean? What was I searching for? Was I searching for anything at all? The School of Lost Borders guides and authors, John V. Davis and Nancy Jane, state that “The three stages of the vision fast correspond to the stages of all rites of passage and transitions: leaving home and the familiar, confronting a trial in order to win a gift, and return home, changed and empowered. These stages also reflect the archetypal patterns of spiritual work: disidentification from the ego-self, an emptiness and exploration, and realization of a more mature and expanded sense of self, or simply, retreat, emptiness, and return” (n.d., p 2). This explanation hit “home” for me. It perpetuated the internal change that was already treading the abyss of my own understanding. It was the key to the reason I was taking this journey, with or without the immediate surrender I would encounter along the way.
The day of our arrival was more chaotic than grounding, at first. It reflected the uncertainty of my being there and what I thought “needed” to be done back at home. We got lost within the first half hour, looking for our camp site. Although I did not experience frustration as much as I did confirmation that this trip was, indeed, going to be an unexplainable “surprise” no matter what my expectations were, there was a feeling of ease that I was returning to the wild again – the wild of Nature and the wild of Self (my human-nature Self). Our three guides and facilitators: Nancy Jane, Nate, and Kinde were holding space, creating sanctuary, and opening a doorway into the unknown for us during the first three days of initiation. What was my intention with this experience? Unclear at first, I was, eventually, guided to the intuitive knowledge that self-care and nurturing was what I needed most of all. This was the most revealing discovery during this phase of the eight day journey.
Everyone had a different element to bring to the circle of intentions. Mine lived in the south shield --the direction of the embodied priestess, the sensual and archeyptal (eros) Goddess who loves her body and all the simplicities of the Earth Mother in which she revels in. After living most of my life for others, giving to others, caring for others, it was a pivotal moment to realize that my deepest desire and most complete and necessary way of “giving to others” was through my intention, I am going out on the hill to serve by allowing myself to receive abundantly and joyously. Saying those words were not only empowering but deeply healing and the first steps of the transformational process of the Vision Fast that had found its purpose within me.
Author Jamie Sams explains in her book, Dancing the Dream: The Seven Sacred Paths to Human Transformation, “During our lives we often lose wonder and the excitement that gave us our original intent and purpose. Every time we can be reminded of why we want to continue to serve, we are given a rebirth of purpose that fuels our strength to carry on” (1998, p. 55). My purpose for this Vision Fast was restoring balance to my own inner (and outer) needs by “reminding” myself that to give freely, openly, and with love, I must be willing to receive abundantly and joyously in return. Limiting my own needs in this regard can be a spiritual “trap” in which I convince myself that I am here as a care-giver – trapping myself into the role of martyr.
On the first day of our journey to our sacred “visioning” spot, I stepped through the ceremonial threshold to a place of deep recognition that I was about to face a part of myself that had been disconnected from the source for some time. This intuitive “knowing” brought tears streaming down my cheeks as I acknowledged the circle of support around me. On the way to the hill that I would be occupying for three days, a black bear streaked across the path behind me running straight for the land that was calling me “home.”
After I reached the sacred ground that I found situated in the south-east corner of the property, it took only a few seconds until the same black bear had arrived on the same spot my tent would be placed. “Hey bear!” Those were the words I used over and over until the bear turned and ran back into the woods above us. Relieved? Our guide, Nate, did a check in with me to see if the bear was still there and then left me alone, after he knew I was safe, with his final words, “good job.” Good job? For the rest of the day, after setting up camp, I participated in south shield activities of basic fight or flight tactics, nudity, identification with my natural surroundings all the while holding two sharp knives – one in each hand. I was Warrior Goddess and frightened inner child vacillating worlds of tender appreciation with the aspects of what this direction was gifting me with and what was lying beneath the surface layers of its meaning.
Black bear medicine, according to Ted Andrews’ book, Animal Speak, reminds us to be very playful – just as they are during their youth and through adulthood. As bear medicine, in general, invites us to go within our deepest selves and listen to our inner knowing, black bear brings playfulness to our lives during the process (2000, p. 252) . Gaining this insight after witnessing black bear in my camp site was beneficial for my personal needs of incorporating “play” that I was ready to allow into my life again. For that, I was grateful.
The nights on the hill were easy for me. I watched the sun move through the sky to determine the time. Every evening, I would crawl into my tent, the “womb,” before sunset, ready to hibernate until the singing of dawn would wake me in the morning. At night, I had no fear – perhaps symbolic that going into the “dark” did not scare me either. By the crack of dawn, I was ready for the day to begin.
Day two of my quest was spent in pure ecstasy of the land and the vast skies above me. I spent the majority of the day, naked, touching Earth, trees, new growth, observing bees and flies and butterflies hovering around me as I tanned beneath the light of the sun. That day I was a Goddess – the Goddess of the flame…embodying the need for sensual pleasure, erotic metaphors of fertility and new birth throughout Nature and within my own core as I, simultaneously, merged with thoughts of family, children, and love.
The third day I awoke, again, at the first signs of life – the bird’s singing, the squirrels chattering, and the cool breeze rustling the leaves outside the tent walls. I unzipped myself from the womb I felt so safe within at night and emerged from the cocoon that had been in gestation for the two days before. This day was a day of creativity and purpose. I chanted and sang while making up new songs of my own. I built a protection circle around my tent in which I felt called to enrapture myself in. As I focused on the vibratory essence of my voice, I felt my energetic resonance lift to a higher frequency. Still naked, dancing in the wind, following the breeze around my circle, I touched Earth in a new way, a new “light.” It was as if the Goddess within me had merged with my inner child and become a Priestess of ceremony. I moved, lightly, through the woods, adding elements of Nature to the give-away “gift” I was making for my return to camp the following morning. I felt complete on this day. I asked deep questions without analyzing the outcome. I received “good information” that downloaded through written words in my journal. I “got” the message. By the time it was getting close to dusk, I crawled back into the womb again and closed my eyes.
On the fourth and final morning, I awoke, again, at dawn’s early rise. As I lifted my head, a gush of life-giving energy flowed from between my legs – giving birth to my Self, my re-birth into who I AM. I began my menstrual cycle, a week early, and knew it was time to head back to camp. I packed up a few items, journeyed “home” as a grateful Warrioress, Goddess, Priestess, and Child embodying the Truth of my experience.
I shared my story with the rest of the group who each had their own stories to share. And what I gained from this journey “home” was that the power within my Self comes only from honoring, nurturing, and taking care of MY needs – abundantly and joyously as I move forward in service to and for the rest of the world. It is a lesson of reciprocity and the necessity of enjoying life’s pleasures amidst the “work” that needs to be done. All is good. All is beautiful. All is a reflection of that beauty within our own hearts. I will NOT forget to love my Self so that my love will continue to be a bridge to loving others, in return.
References
Andrews, Ted. (2000). Animal speak: The spiritual and magical powers of creatures great and small (p. 252). St. Paul, MN: Llewellyn Publications.
Davis, J., & Jane, N. (n.d.). Vision fast information (p. 2). Unpublished manuscript. Retrieved from http://www.johnvdavis.com/wild/vfinfo.htm
Sams, J. (1998). Dancing the dream: The seven sacred paths of human transformation (p. 55). New York: Harper SanFrancisco.
