The Creative Process

When life presents challenges, it is up to us to decide how to interpret and integrate what is being "faced" on a personal level and what needs discarding from the process of evaluation. I find myself in this process. Excrutiating as it may be, I am evaluating the essence of my relationships. But does this make sense? Can one really EVALUATE the ESSENCE of anything? There's a point in the creative process when one begins to stifle the need to be creative. Disillusionment takes over. Creativity hits a "road block" in the critical atmosphere of the mind. I want to be a creator. Not a calculator. I want to manifest ideas into reality. Not disable the potential with critique. I want to awaken with the sun of my heart despite the darkness of my mind that attempts to prevail. I want to push the edge of my beliefs and let go of what I believe things to be. What is real anyway?

I am in a relationship. With my Self, with life, with people around me that mirror the issues I fail to recognize on my own. Now I can see these issues staring at me in the face. I suppose my attempt to "control" reality is the epitome of illusion in itself. I would think that if I understood the concept of illusion in life that I would also understand the unconscious illusions I place upon myself. Quite the contrary actually. And this pisses me off. Am I suspicious of life/relationships/my Self because of my past? because of my distrust of Self/the Universe/creation? Am I attracting this into my life and/or is it attracting me? Both, perhaps?

Ok. So the Truth is....I am tired of thinking. It is getting in the way of my true feelings. I am having a difficult time even deciphering what is a feeling or thought anymore. Actually, being an Aquarius, I believe this has always been an issue that correlates with my upbringing of stuffing my feelings down inside (ie. repressing). I don't want to live a lie while I search for the Truth. How can I live in the light of Spirit if I am dwelling in the opposite? How can I release the controls of the mind if I have built walls around my heart? How can I heal if I am too busy staying "busy" to go deeper into the Truth that I AM?

So, forget the Creative THINKING. It is time for Creative FEELING...releasing constraints of the mind. Flourishing in the existence that is void of existing. Finding my Center again. This is not a goal. This is a necessity without expectations. And all else shall follow....

I AM both Dark and Light

Beginnings. Always Beginnings. From womb to first breath, from childhood to adulthood, from infancy in every moment of personal evolution to the understanding that brings depth of awareness. I am an infant. Each moment, I open my eyes for the first time and learn new things. I am a baby crying for Love. Opening with each step my daughter takes, each time I learn that her steps were and are, in some way, guiding my own.

I fall in Love every day yet forget to express this Love to my Self. I have been told, "it's not about you. It's not about what YOU want."

Why Not? Life is an illusion. I create the reality in which I live. So although I dedicate my life to my family, it is most definitely about ME! It's about me in the sense of learning who "ME" is. Who am I? Who are You? Who are these faces, these names, these people who are representing humanity as a collective whole? There is a balance in life one must find - where "Self" is also "self-less", where giving is also receiving, where believing is also questioning, where finding is also letting go. The duality of life is the essence of survival. Yin and Yang. Dark and Light. Night and Day. Man and Woman. Black and White. We see these differences and have a tendency to attract one "pole" of the magnetic force. Although this duality exists and "is", learning to recognize the "central colors" that blend all of Life is what releases the polarity of our minds.

If one is truly a person of "light" then more than likely, they have learned to embrace the "dark" side of their existence too. Learning to accept both sides and acknowledging their existence allows a release of burdens that create stagnation in one's life.

Owl teaches this medicine. Seeing through the darkness (visions in the night) show what fears being revealed. We all have owl eyes. If we use them with awareness, then we open ourselves to the inner dimensions that stay dormant in our Being - that is, until dreams attempt to unravel what we fail to accept when we are awake.

I draw on this energy often - recognizing the darkside amidst the light within me. Honestly, I don't particularly like that side of me, but when I choose to embrace the RAW emotion, the hurt feelings, the shameful, the fearful, etc side of me, then I am actually allowing the LIGHT to emmanate more freely through me (by releasing - ie. letting go of - the negative otherwise stored up energy in my body/thoughts/BEING).

I am an infant but also a wise crone balancing in the middle of this thirty-something year old body masked by the illusion of mind. When I let go of it all, I AM. And that is all that I need be.

Trust

I am contemplating the word "Trust". The value of insanity one feels in fulfilling the definition of this word is beyond comprehension. Here are some words about Trust (not mine) to reflect on:

Trust is both an emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.
We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort. There are a number of different ways we can define trust.

So why is it so hard to Trust in this life? Mistrust = doubt, uncertainty, skepticism, suspiciousness, etc.
We have all experienced times of uncertainty and doubt where we do not feel like the decision we made was the "right" one and therefore, don't trust our path is correct. We experience mistrust in relationships, in self-motives, in basic tests and examinations. Is there a defining moment where TRUST is simply that?

My thoughts: Trust means letting go of what is feared the most. Trusting Self is the "key" (old tried and true saying). So what does it mean to Trust one's Self? It means letting go of all preconceived notions about what Love is. This equates to allowing life to unfold in it's beautiful, mysterious, way without the need to change or control the outcome. Knowing that things happen for a reason - usually for personal growth and evolution - allows acceptance to occur easier and more frequently. This results in Trusting the process of Life and Love and subsequently, other people.

I have been no exception. This rant is only a reflection of my personal processing taking place and the lack of Trust I have carried with me for some time, even unnoticed. It takes a strong heart to be willing to look at one's own dark side, one's personal history (her-story) and unravel the grip that has constrained Love from ever truly being revealed in pure form. This journey is an opportunity to open my heart and let Love be free again. It doesn't mean that it is easy. It means that this realization is opening a door of opportunity to heal.

For me, this is the hardest part. Healing means allowing one's heart to open and actually "feel". This is the part of me that I resist the most. You see, Loving is "feeling" without boundaries. I have always been a professional at setting boundaries, placing walls, wearing masks to camophlauge the vulnerability I feel inside. This vulnerability is not an insecurity either. It is the Strength of the Woman that I am. It is the Power that resides in my Core. It is the breath that I breathe and hold at the same time. It is everything that I have always been and long to become and yet I continue to tell myself, "NO! You can NOT Trust. It is not safe to Trust yourself or anyone else. You will get HURT!" But to be free, I have to let go. I have to TRUST the process of letting go. I have to accept that sometimes "unknowns" in life are what, in actuality, allow themselves to be revealed when I open to Trusting the Universe for their arrival. Love will never come, will never open in my heart like a budding flower if I stay closed to experiencing every aspect and degree of which Love entails.

To Trust = To Let Go = To Accept = Revelation = Heart Opening = Healing (Tears) = Unconditional Love = Freedom!

Don't we all want this? Today, I make a personal decision that I DO!

Eye of the Storm

I take a breath but forget to breathe. I move but stay firm on the ground. Life is like that for me. Each day becoming what has been, what is now. If I could open my mouth to the Gods and scream these words of longing, a silent voice would be heard.

If I could express the facets of face I wear to the crowd, you would not know me. Perhaps I would finally know myself.

What would happen if this child, within, danced a storm in my heart and taunted me to feel?
I would become that dance - simple, elegant, yet driven with force - like the wind.

My name would change meaning.

Perhaps a story unfolds through one's eyes. Like the calm before the storm. You would know it was coming. You would know I was there.

But a moment like this, rare as it may be, heightens awareness of Love. And in this Love, you realize that these eyes were a portal and you, my Love, a reflection in the midst of darkness.

What happens, now, when the eye of the storm makes way for the flood?
Perhaps it doesn't matter anymore.
Perhaps the "search" was no movement at all, but the desire to see what was hidden all along.

Then death would become me - and that "center" of Truth would be all that remains.

Roar

Tell me what you know.
How do you feel,
deeply,
when there's nothing
left to hide from?

What does it taste like,
to consume life
with the mouth of a Lion;
Hunting illusions down
with pride?

I sense your arrival
- the intensity of the flame
unveiling your face,
singeing the mane that surrounds.

You are not alone.

Back in March, I wrote...

It’s been quite a while since the last time I merged with Spirit. Maybe I recall too many days of working toward a certain obtainment that wasn’t real. Each day of living is a new story. This much is true. Awareness is a different word with every expression. I see the world through different eyes than I did yesterday – or even three minutes ago.

And there’s a change that takes place in consciousness – a realization where this life is not fulfilling when trying to fill it with the things that replace my connection with the divine. I’m not on a mission anymore. The mission is what is taking me on this journey. I am just taking the steps toward fulfilling the dream of that mission.

This world is changing meaning along with perspective in what I believe it to be. Nothing is real anymore yet so alive in what the desires we have as individual and collective Spirits to merge together in a unified connection of love. Too many people are not aware that this goal is the same for them as everyone else. We all want to be happy. Love is the only way to find that happiness. And finding does not even require a search when done through the heart.
Someone needs to speak. So listen. When you take time to quiet your mind, daily you find a space that has room to hold another’s words – which in essence, is sacred place for them to process their own feelings and heal themselves. An empty vessel – you become.

If we are all empty vessels – full only of love, than we have a capacity to hold space for others to heal. We have to heal ourselves – if even in steps – to give ourselves the ability to give to others a place to release. To empty our selves of self-importance, we open ourselves to a blessed way of being, living and creating a wave of support for others to follow in a collective manner.

heart without wings

Words. Thanks to good friends, I now have been introduced to a place where these things called "Words" can go. So I realize in an attempt to say how I feel, I am blinded by what I "think" instead. You see, a heart with feeling has wings. I feel as though my wings get lost somewhere in my head - thinking and thinking until there is no thought at all.Change is inevitable and manifesting positivity within that change happens with visualization. This is different from "thinking". I am balancing on the line that exists between the two.Watch these words as they process every emotion that fears being revealed. You will find me there - in between these words - beyond these thoughts - in the heart of...that which I devote my existence to. The hardest part: getting out of my head and back to the center in which my heart resides.